A Friend in Need: How to Take Care of a Rape Survivor By Tara Jones

A Friend in Need: How to Care of a Rape Survivor By Tara Jones

The violating experience of rape can have many reactions and can take many forms. Rape may be subtle and manipulative, like a date rape pressure that coerced silence and dubbed it “yes.” It can be more vivid and overt such as an attack or assault. In any scenario, the damage of the encounter can be nothing short of devastating and difficult to cope with. There is no one correct solution for helping a friend or loved one through this traumatic event but there are ways to help.

Time is of the essence after an attack is first made and the survivor must seek medical attention immediately. Some survivors can be afraid of hospitals forcing them to report or talk about the incident before they feel ready or able. Regardless of what future legal actions may be pursued one should provide themselves with as many options as possible and attend to their body with care. The risk of STD is higher than normal with predators that may engage often in casual, frequent, or predatory sex where safe practices aren’t necessarily utilized. Being able to get treatment for wounds, be tested for pregnancy or STD, and possibly perform a rape kit should be done as soon as possible. One inclination of those who have just been attacked may be to lay low, not to talk about the event right away or go home and shower the trauma off of them. The issue with this is that if they want to perform a rape kit and  identify the predator’s DNA, or gather evidence of the attack, then the kit is time-sensitive and will expire without immediate action.

Some survivors may be afraid to talk to a doctor because they aren’t sure that they want to put in a report and may not feel safe enough to do so. Not all states require an issuing report to police after talking to a medical staff member about the rape. Putting in a report does not mean that you have prosecuted, only that you now have a record . The report may grant the option of putting charges in the future that include evidentiary support. Unfortunately, rape can be difficult to prove and this time sensitive bit of evidence may make or break a case. Filing a report starts that process and allows the survivor to timestamp the event in a major way . The report is a very helpful tool, aiding in self-empowerment and possible future arrest.

Recapitulating the story repeatedly to doctors can be triggering and traumatizing . Perhaps consider asking a medical staff member to simply share what you have said in your chart to the next doctor before having to repeat it again. If you feel triggered you can ask a friend to speak for you.  The initial information reporting time period is often the most stressful and exhausting but is also the most important stage for establishing the option of taking future legal action.

75% of rapes occur by someone whom the survivor knows and so the fear of retaliation can become especially palpable if the perpetrator shares a social circle that the survivor fears upsetting. The survivor may fear being teamed up against, shunned, or retaliated against and this can make them hesitant to speak. As a friend or loved one you need to honor the process of the survivor. Some may want to express themselves often and at length and being a good listener and monitoring your advice or desire to fix the situation beyond what they are comfortable with can be very helpful. There are times where the survivor may be better-off talking to a professional, advocate, crisis center, hotline, or a group of survivors who understand their pain personally. Research some local resources for them and make those available whenever they are ready. There are some national resources at the bottom of this article as well.

Understand that a survivor’s body and mind may still be in shock and returning to life as normal may take months or years. Helping your loved one to have multiple safe havens to frequent may be very necessary. For example: if the attack was made at their residence and they fear a return attack or are reminded too often of what happened, it may be good for them to relocate temporarily or permanently. Making sure that the survivor knows that in the case of nervousness or fear that they can have other places to go or places that they feel are safe to go to in the day may be important.

Creating a safe space may be key for healing. Installing security in the places where the survivor feels vulnerable may help them feel more ready for any future occurrence. Installing phone apps that respond to emergencies with a mass text to all, setting emergency contacts to be ready on hand, or providing the survivor or preventer with self-defense techniques and devices may help to restore some empowerment that may be low after the attack.

Survivors may be a bit distant, defensive, or shut down to physical or sexual touch, practice patience before trying to regain their trust and try not to take their defensiveness of your affections as personal. Their body may remain in a state of shock for quite some time, their body doesn’t necessarily take into account your care or history, just that it is scared. Let the survivor take their time before jumping into touch that may be triggering. Let them know that you are there for them if they need to talk but also there for them if they don’t want to. Each survivor has their way of coping, this doesn’t make it wrong. Some may prefer to move on from the event right away others may want to express themselves more. It is important to process what has happened but there is no one way to do this. A silent survivor may process it through working out at the gym, making art, or raking legal action to name a few ways, others may want emotional support readily. Self-expression should be encouraged but not forced. Regardless of their desire to speak on it, the survivor should be provided with information about what to expect down the road.

Rapes and assaults may seem to be easily overcome, only to catch up with devastating or indirect results such as escapism, self-blame, nightmares, neurosis, hypervigilance, flashbacks, panic attacks, or aggression later on. The survivor should be made aware of some of the possible pending responses to the rape and encouraged to bring awareness to some of the self-destructive or devastating effects that they may experience eventually and what to do about it if it occurs.

One overwhelmingly successful technique for dealing with trauma is called EMDR,  it is a type of therapy that triggers both sides of the brain during trauma recollection. This access to both sides of the brain allows the survivor to navigate through the trauma and release the resonance of the trauma in a way that talk therapy alone may not be able to. Loneliness, self-judgment, blame, or seclusion may follow.

The fault of the rape is on the perpetrator and not the survivor. What was worn, said, felt, or underprepared for at the time has no barring in the fact that the mind of a predator is just that, predatory. Misnomers about what rape is about can hurt a survivor’s healing. For example, one common one is the question of if the survivor was flirting, wearing revealing clothing, or intoxicated at the time. While mindfulness is a good defense it is not a safeguard from the mind of a predator looking to dominate the other. A person who is covered up, unseen or underconfident  can often actually become more likely to be the victim than the one who was wearing a tight clothing and was the center of the party. In neither scenario is the survivor to blame. Rape isn’t about sex or sexual desire, it is not about that a signal may have been sparked to say that the survivor had an interest in the predator, rape is about power and dominance through fear, nothing else. The overwhelming percentage of predators don’t feel remorse for what they did. They do not feel empathy for the survivor nor even consider what they have done to be truly wrong, though often recognize the act as criminal but not necessarily immoral.

Predator’s attacks are usually not focused on just one person. Your personage, deepest thoughts or true self aren’t a real consideration for those who are unable to see another or care, so why make what happened to you more personal than it is? Not totally unlike a dangerous animal, a predator hunts, it’s what it does, it’s not personal it’s just a dangerous opportunist. Concerns from the predator seldom grapple with remorse and more predominately are self-serving with the concern of being caught.

When handling a situation of another’s pain you may want to be mindful to not do more than you can handle, take breaks from the healing process for yourself as you see fit. Encourage the survivor and supporters of the survivor to use self-care often, especially for the months after the attack. Rape can be triggering to many people and can create a lot of heavy upset , know your limits. The survivor may sense the way that people are walking on eggshells and come to resent it so remember your bond before the attack and bring awareness to also return to breaks, fun, and entertainment when appropriate.

For a National Hotline with trained specialists you an call 800.656.HOPE (4673). You can also get help online with these three national organizations. Terms of Service – Online Hotline (rainn.org) , Take Action • NOMORE.org | Together we can end domestic violence and sexual assault., | National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC)

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