Surviving a Narcissist By Thara Wild
A narcissist is an individual devoid of empathy with a selfish pathology. The pathology of individuals like these can wreak havoc on all who cross their path by dehumanizing their victims and grooming them towards accepting abuse. The sex trafficking industry does something similar. While it is common knowledge that abuses endured by sex trafficking are inherently wrong, the damage towards victims is perceived effortlessly as palpable. Narcissistic abuse survivor-ship is often full of convolution and confusion that can distort the roles of the victim and villain. The effects of a close bond with a narcissist can often be overlooked, and the damage minimized. however, the effects can be anything but.
Trauma Bonding
Oftentimes times it can take survivors back in resistance to be told that they are overcoming abuse from their former partner. Like a frog in a slow boiling pot of water, narcissist abuse can be a slowly heating situation that can trick their partner into staying long after they have gotten burned. The psychological manipulation issued by their narc partner can condition them to believe that it was their fault, that they weren’t worthy, or minimize the amount of damage. Because narcissists often come from traumatic or difficult backgrounds themselves, they may pull at your heartstrings as a source of needing to be understood and healed through love, you may even pride yourself on being the one constant in a life where they were seemingly abandoned often. Some narcs first come from trauma, others do not, some of them have been given everything that they needed and are merely conditioned to being entitled to more. Their background isn’t exceptionally important, though it can create a defensiveness in a loyal partner to hear this. What is important is how they treat you in a relationship. It can be frustrating to see the way they charm, help, and even seduce the surrounding public, acting as a helper and a friend only once the doors close, revealing their selfish and resentful nature to those closest to them.
Self/Public Image
A narcissist cares about what others think, but they do not care for others. They care about what they can get from others, but not about what they can give. They are truly about their self-image and projecting whatever they have chosen to be seen outwards. Perhaps they want to be seen as a
philanthropist, success, or religious figure. No one job or profession defines. them, what does define them regardless of profession is their destructive and self-serving nature.
Infidelity and Modality
Most narcissists cheat, most are serial cheaters with no intention of stopping. They often have several networks of “supply” which are situations that serve to flatter their ego. Maybe they send revealing pictures, futurize plans with another, or string on others over time. This can be very damaging and even disturbing for a partner to discover, most of all, how much they truly have no regard for you in those moments. Maya Angelou once famously stated, “When people show you their true nature, believe them.” A narcissist can be so incomprehensibly selfish that it can be difficult to believe them. If you are not someone with such a selfish nature you may make excuses, you weren’t enough, you didn’t meet their needs, they were wounded once, etc. The narcissist is who they are with or without you.
Dating a Narcissist
A narcissist may try to possess their partner and this can feel great, it can feel that they need you as they cry at their doorstep for being revealed as their true face, and it can feel that they deeply desire you.
The desire to maintain you and love you are two very different things. They desire loyal anchors,
providers, and people who will keep their egos boosted. You can check every box of what you would
personally want out of a supportive partner and they can still not care about you they may even respect you less and exploit you more. So quick are they to forget you countless acts of loyalty and support and in a moment it was suddenly never enough, usually in conjunction with some misdeed that you have or have not yet discovered.
Everything is your fault, and you may mistake the moments of weakness where they confess self-
loathing as healing, it is not, all narcissists do have self-loathing, it should not be mistaken for empathy towards you, it is never about you, even when they pretend that it is. A narcissist by definition cannot have empathy, it means that when you are at your lowest they will have the least for you.
The more you have to give, money, looks, and networks the more they become pendentive towards you as a trophy or a status symbol, lose the status lose the mate. Dating a narcissist is a surefire way to keep other good forms of love at bay. They are often jealous of their partner’s affection towards others and can thwart and compete with the love for and from their children. While a narcissist can like how a child makes them look perhaps they are a good student or a prize-winning athlete they can not fundamentally love their child as the day-to-day life of raising a child does not give them the praise they seek and so is not ultimately worth their time.
They can isolate their partners away from supportive friends, particularly those who don’t like them, convincing their partner that the person does not have their best interest in mind or making up stories to distance themselves. From time to time a narcissist does have an admirable trait, maybe they are helpful or have great skill sets, every person develops the way they
do, and good traits do not eradicate the fundamental differences between the trait and the general
selfish M.O. itself.
Who Narcs Target and Why
They say that once you see that you have a significant relationship with a narcissist in your life you will find that you have had an entire network of narcissists that you may not have recognized as such, be it a boss, a friend, or family member. Narcissists are attracted to giving people and pray on the empathy of another often draining it for all they can, but they will never cherish or respect it. They look down on those who have what they can not, and goodness is a force they don’t have, a power they can not tame only emulate and so they will be disgusted by it and use it all the while. At the end of the day, one of the hardest parts of getting out of a destructive relationship with these kinds of people is the feeling that you want a return on your investment. You are waiting for them to care as you did them, to declare their love and give gratitude for the ways that you have given, that the time, money, and energy that you
spent on them will be paid back. It won’t be. Every day that you spend worrying about the return is another day spent wasted on the narcissist.
The best thing you can do is grey rock them, meaning shut down any emotional exchange or leave them entirely and never look back. So many people get obsessed with the narcissist, craving their validation and a desire for a different outcome know that they aren’t pining for you, if they miss you it’s only the convenience that they provided. If they speak of you it will only be to sully your name and reputation and explain their wrongdoings away.
Moving Forward Empty Handed, Duped and for the Better
Survivors of narcissists often become hyper-fixated on the outcome of them, will they go on to live happier lives with someone else, will they take the strength you gave them and thrive without you? Here is what you can know, a person who can not love will never truly love, and a person who is set on selfishness may experience unfair gains in life and advantages but it was out of duping, they will always hate themselves underneath, and not out of guilt but out of the sham that they know they are and no person who lives a life of complete self-centeredness is truly happy, rest assured whatever gains they may or may not get are temporary and lack foundation, they will never be happy with or without you.
As long as you, as the empathetic individual that you were to attract such a type will always have so much more potential for joy and happiness regardless of what little they left you with. The reason for this is that as long as you still can love you have a superpower they can not parallel, take the lessons about giving love that they taught you, you gave tirelessly and unconditionally, now apply it to yourself and set yourself free.
